His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
