It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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