There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
