dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
