No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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