So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
