I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
