by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
