i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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