Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
