Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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