i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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