I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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