If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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