Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
