last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
