He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
