Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
