The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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