i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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