My sheets look like a crime scene.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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