when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
