i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
