I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
