If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
