I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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