So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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