I CAN MOONWALK!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
