two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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