I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
