Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize