My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
