just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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