The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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