It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
