I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
