It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize