I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
