You can't motorboat a personality
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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