If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's never too late to be topless.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
