I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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