I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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