Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
