Tell her she can't have a vagina
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
