what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
