I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
