she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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