one might say we're banned from that church
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
