Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
