Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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