You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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