At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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