shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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