My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
