all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
