Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My vagina just clenched in fear
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